COVID-19 relief: Creative ways to spice it up from a socially acceptable distance
By David Ficarri
-Diversions with Dave-
We here at Gazette 2.0 are always trying to enlighten our readers, so we search for stories that may be of interest to you. One such story is “sexual advice during this pandemic” so naturally we’ve called on an expert to educate us all, me! Wait, what?
Just picture the love child of Dr. Ruth and Dr. Phil and you have Dr. Dave. Actually, on second thought, don’t picture that at all...especially if you’re having lunch.
Anyway, it’s been well documented that Wilt Chamberlain and I have combined to sleep with 20,004 women so I’m kind of an expert.
I mean, his count is 20,000 but still.
Still reading? Whew. In the words of the poets Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex.”
Here’s some advice the actual sexperts, err, health experts are recommending in several cities and counties:
• Limit sexual partners. (Seeing that the last action I got was during the Y2K virus scare, I think I’ll be safe.)
• Wear a mask during sex. (Fellas, just a piece of advice, yelling “I’m Batman” will not increase your odds unless you look like George Clooney. Ladies, um, think more Catwoman than avocado mask.)
• Masturbate together from a distance. (Listen, don’t blame me, I’m just the messenger but if this is your deal, I’d recommend spicing things up and play M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” for dramatic effect.)
• Try new sexual positions and physical barriers. (Take my advice here, if your partner asks what your favorite position is, by all means don’t answer “shortstop” because you’ll get all the physical barriers you need. Some things we learn the tough way.)
• Attend sexy zoom parties. (I mean, the Romans had toga parties and now this is where we are in 2020. I don’t think we’ve advanced one bit.
That being said, if this is your choice, please make sure it’s outside of your kids school hours and definitely not while attending a work-related zoom. Do not be THAT parent or colleague.
Well, that’s it, what have we learned here?
Absolutely nothing is my guess but I hope you at least got a good laugh. Any complaints, compliments or recommendations for future expert advice columns can be sent to our email. Now, excuse me, I’ve got “research” to do.