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Old vampires need blood, too


By Tara Yilmaz


In a time when the world seems to be upside down and turned around, it’s easy for real-world problems to be discussed around the water cooler. But what happens when you imagine with your co-workers a different set of worldly problems to consider? Not the standard climate crisis, food scarcity, high mortgage rates, educational debt, gas prices, adequate health insurance, childcare cost, or why Marvel Studios releases one or two movies a year. At work, we discussed whether vampires should have rights, too.


The consensus says Edward from the “Twilight” series gets a yes, but Grandpa from “The Munsters” television show, is a big no. That got me thinking. So, if you have three minutes to spare, allow me to micromanage your imagination with my satirical little thought experiment.


→ Did you know four out of 10 elderly vampires die of starvation every day in Pittsburgh? Since 2020, the Journal of Dracul publishes a yearly study on ageism discrimination against the vampire senior population. Researchers found that humans tend to discriminate against older vampires based on looks. In exchange for the rights to live, work, and interspecies marry, vampires must abide by the Human Right to Live laws. This means vampires can no longer bite unwilling participants and hypnotize humans to gain access to their blood or conduct money for blood transactions. Humans can only donate blood for human-related blood drives. Nowadays, if a vampire is not married, in a committed relationship, or has a consensual situationship, they are more likely to starve to death if they are deemed unattractive. Victor McGinley, 1,028 years old, from Crafton, has been without blood for six days. “I didn’t always look this way. Before Congress passed the HRL laws, I was a handsome vampire. My looks compensated for my lack of charm. Because I don’t eat regularly, I look my age, women tell me I have no personality and now my dinners are far and few between.”

→ Did you know vampires from the West Side discriminate against vampires from McKees Rocks? Residents from Sheraden, Chartiers, and Elliott formed an alliance with the help of vampires to ban any McKees Rocks nightwalkers from relocating to these neighborhoods. Countess Esmeralda Von Jenkins from Sheraden shared her thoughts. “If you’re a vampire and live in McKees Rocks, you might as well walk into the sun.”


When asked if her harsh biases were based on the senior population in McKees Rocks being the highest in Allegheny County she stated, “No, it’s because they’re from The Rocks. McKees Rocks is not part of the West Side. Even humans agree on this subject. Humans in the west part of the city have been debating this issue long before we came out from the shadows three years ago.


The West Side is home to the better-looking vampires, so if you’re unattractive we don’t want you living here.”


When confronted by Hoagie Mitchem, president of the Vampirical Flat Earther Society, he accused Jenkins of spearheading the depopulation of vampires and creating a bigger divide amongst their kind. “It’s the good-looking and eating versus the ugly and starving. Jenkins and her alliance with humans will soon result in a lawsuit like Chad the Impaler v. Pennsylvania.”


→ Did you know the US Supreme Court has yet to announce its decision regarding Chad the Impaler v. Pennsylvania? Chad the Impaler, 7,589 years old, the oldest Vampire in Pittsburgh has suffered starvation because of the HRL laws.


He would like the US Supreme Court to reverse the ruling on the prohibition of blood for money transactions. The reversal would give the ability for more elderly vampires to eat.


The Blood for Human Global Organization (GHBO) worries that a reversal would cause a rise in the Black Blood Market. According to the Undead Social Services (USS), vampires are prohibited from receiving government assistance to supplement the rising cost of human blood.


Since there’s a substantial need for aid amongst the elderly blood-sucking community, senior vampires depend on charity from the younger better-looking vampires.


“Bad enough us vampires lost our right to vote when we died, must we be discriminated against because of our looks and age, too?” asks Mitchem.



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