By David Ficarri
-Diversions with Dave-
Some friends of mine and I were talking about current events when one of them accused me of being “one of those crazy conspiracy theorists.” To which I replied, “If I told you last year at this time what was going to happen in 2020, you would have said the same thing.”
His response? [Crickets]
Now, each year has its own share of crazy events, but 2020 has proven to be a year that will be remembered forever. Perhaps the only thing we haven’t had were a different kind of crickets, those of a Biblical plague variety...yet. I mean, the year isn’t quite over just yet. That being said, instead of taking a nihilistic approach here, I’m going to try and inject a little humor into the conversation. Don’t worry, my injections are slightly less painful than the Bill Gates variety. Hopefully, my jokes will be, too.
Where to begin? Hmmm, others have mentioned that perhaps all our troubles actually began in 2019 when King Tut’s coffin was removed from his tomb after 3,300 years for repairs.
You don’t need Indiana Jones to tell you the problems that may present. Others have even speculated that the great PAT bus pothole problem may have opened a porthole to another dimension that we’re currently living in.
Maybe it’s a terrible mashup then of Keanu Reeves movies “The Matrix” and “Speed.” Well, as long as we’re living in a bizarro world, I call dibs on Sandra Bullock. Another theory is that all of you fools who decided to stand your brooms upright instead of using them for their actual purpose somehow summoned all the evil spirits from “The Underworld.”
Doubtful? Yeah, before this year, almost no one ever heard of Murder Hornets, Zombie Cicadas, or Carole F. Baskin either. What’s the opposite of Underworld? Well, whatever it is, the Pentagon just said that there are crashed/recovered UFO’s that are “off-world vehicles not made on this Earth.” Wait...what?
Seriously, this year just proved there is no shortage of insanity in this world, er,universe. Toilet paper shortage? Yes, but no one knows why. I blame aliens.
Coin shortage? Um, I’ll discuss that later. Cancellations? I mean, what didn’t get canceled this year? Well, unfortunately, racial tensions and political ridiculousness decided to stay the course this year. I mean if we’re going to hate each other, can’t we do it in a fun, social distancing kind of fashion and bring back duels or jousting? That could easily pass as sports and entertainment and maybe we can do a “Battle of the Network Stars” television event again.
How does your 2020 bingo card look so far? Well, if you had mysterious seeds from China then you’re in luck, I think. Now, if you did actually get the seeds, whatever you do, please do not plant them.
The last thing we need is some random giant climbing down his beanstalk and hoarding all the masks and hand sanitizer. Wait, can I still call him “giant”? Hmmm, he never played for that Washington football team, isn’t in Lady A. or the Dixie...drat, The Chicks... wait, are those names sexist? I digress, he never appeared on bottles of syrup or boxes of rice, so I think I’m in the clear for now.
You know who really needs to explain themselves at this point? Nostradamus, Miss Cleo and Madam Marie. If there was ever a year for their predictions of the future, don’t you think having 2020 vision would have been their ticket to immortality?
I mean, any year where toilet paper would be worth more than gasoline, getting alcoholic slushies to go but not being able to drink at a bar and going into a bank wearing a mask is demanded and not raise suspicion, then we are truly living in strange times.
Luckily, we have dad jokes and memes to keep us occupied. Like this one. Did you hear about the coin shortage? Yes, the United States is literally out of common cents. Sorry. I know that was as ridiculous this whole year. As for the whole coin shortage issue, in the last 10 years, we’ve produced over 100 million coins and most coins last roughly 30 years.
If you truly believe there is a coin shortage, then I know a giant that’s selling toilet paper, masks and hand sanitizer out of the back of a PAT bus.